Crying in the Wilderness is more than a title. It’s not just a line taken from scripture. It’s a description of the life I lived for more than 30 years as a Christian. This is a journal of my memories. My experiences. My rise and my eventual fall away from the Christian church.
My Foundation
The church is all I have ever known. I was in the church nursery as a toddler. I remember early years in Sunday School and Children’s Church; it’s when I was taught about Jesus and the devil. The songs and lessons taught about God, Abraham, the twelve disciples, and about heaven and hell are etched in my brain. At a young age, I was told that I must be born again. I must confess my sins, accept Jesus into my heart, be baptized, and receive the gifts of sanctification and God’s holy spirit. These memories are indelibly branded deep within me. These things were my lifeline, but I had so many unanswered questions.
Experiences
The church is made up of imperfect people. As a young teenager, witnessing all the imperfection of people became confusing. I was being taught so much about being Christ-like and loving others, it was staggering and outright shocking to be of witness to so much turmoil. The gossip alone was unnerving. Of what I witnessed, I think the holier-than-thou point of view causes the most confusion and the most damage in the churches that I attended. There seems to never be a shortage of monumental egos wherever you go. I could not understand what seemed to be the opposite of everything I’ve been taught.
My Rise and Fall Away from the Church
I remained in the church despite my insurmountable questions and my lack of understanding the people of God. I had been told by some that the church is made up of imperfect people. I agreed with that concept, and I knew that I was a long way from perfection myself. I could never stand in the shoes of the man that is willing to cast the first stone. I came to live by this concept. I became a Sunday School teacher and excelled into the youth ministries. I was there fifteen years before the questions and my lack of understanding were inescapable. My foundation has been reduced to rubble. I quietly left the church.
I have put my energy into finding answers to the questions that have eluded me since my childhood. Over the past year, I’ve learned things that have shaken me to my core. Facts I would have never accepted if I had stayed in the church. I can only write about these things. I write anonymously because my family is still devout in the faith. There is no one to talk to. Everyone I know is dedicated to one side or the other. I’m taking things very slowly, learning as I go. There is so much I want to know.
If you are willing to consider all facts, and use critical thought vs. prejudiced, I would love your company on this journey. If not, this may not be the blog for you.