Vol. 3/1
A sense of purpose has troubled me for many years. I’ve always known that I was somewhat peculiar. I often have difficulty verbalizing my true thoughts and intentions. Off-the-cuff remarks and/or responses have always escaped me. The one thing that has been consistent since I was a child is my inquisitive nature. As far back as I can remember, there were always questions and a strong desire to understand why we do what we do. What makes us all so unique, and what makes us so alike. Where does the evil in us come from? If God exists, and He is what He says He is, then why the ambiguity?
I am by no means a scholar or literary and have no credentials to claim. The little knowledge that I do possess is from experience. From infancy, the church and its teachings were synonymous with eating, sleeping, and breathing. I was saved, sanctified, baptized, and filled with the holy spirit, with evidence of tongues. I read and studied the scriptures. I prayed and I fasted. I witnessed the gospel to others. I gave, and I believed. My faith permeated every aspect of my life.
While writing these words, I am feeling compelled to do so. I struggle with the decision to believe or not to believe. My Christian upbringing will not allow me to deny the power of God. There are simply lines that I find too difficult to cross. Who am I to denounce the faith of the people who raised me? My culture. The society in which I live. Christianity has been studied and confirmed by people who are so much smarter and more knowledgeable on the topic than I could ever hope to be. In my beginning there was God. If I decided that God does not exist, then where does that leave me? Where does that leave my mother and all the loved ones that I have lost? Those that believed so firmly in this God. Who am I to raise such a question?
A Former Life of Prayer
I am willing to admit that I no longer believe in the power of prayer. There was a time in my life that I kept a daily reminder to pray on specific topics, just so I would not leave anything or anyone out. It went something like this:
- Mondays were prayers for family
- Tuesdays were prayers for the church
- Wednesdays were prayers for the sick and the homeless
- Thursdays were prayers for our political leaders
- Fridays were prayers for our country as a whole
- Saturdays were prayers for our world including crime, hunger, war, etc.
Keeping a constant prayer on my heart, on my mind, and on my lips is how I lived. I didn’t know any other way. I have come to understand that God will do what he will do. According to Matthew 6:8 He already knows what I have need of, and according to Jeremiah 17:10 He knows my heart. Even with mustard seed faith, the bible says in Matthew 17:20-21 that along with fasting and prayer that mountains can be moved. But I no longer believe in Matthew 7:7-8. I no longer ask. I no longer seek. I no longer knock, because God will do what He will do.
I am always thankful for things great and small. If God knows the motives of my heart, as it says in Proverbs 21:2, He knows that I am grateful for things that are outside of my control. The things that are within my control, I’m just thankful for my own endurance. According to James 1:17, all good things come from God. So, if He is responsible for these things, I am thankful.
Giving Thanks & Praise
I give praise when I hear a minister who speaks truth into my life. I cannot speak for others, so I can only be of witness to what is in my own spirit. I admire those who believe in what they speak, they seem to be devoted and passionate and make no apologies for their belief. The willingness to step out from everyone else and boldly live a life according to what they speak is how I would define righteous. I am thankful for the messenger and his or her obedience in speaking an inspired word. And I wish to encourage them to continue to bless others with the gifts they possess.
About fifteen years ago I left organized religion. Since then, I have picked up my bible only to put it down again. I picked up my studies, only to put it down again. I read faith-based novels and books, biblical literature, daily devotionals, bible in a year, only to put them down again. All these things combined could not answer my questions that have continued. I left the church with no intention of ever returning until I have received the understanding of what it is all for. I have not received that understanding as of the time of this writing. My search continues.
If this seems to be the babbling of a confused individual, I cannot disagree with that assessment.